I'm Trying

Just saw a picture of Ace and Andrea on Ace's Facebook... It wasn't where I could see anything. it was on her Facebook Profile picture.... she has removed me, Gary and Candice from her Facebook....Brant had already deleted her... he got her number pretty quick. alot quicker than any of the rest of us. Called Ace, trying to keep some form of communication open between he and I. The emotions run in so many directions when I think of them... First.... hurt, second... anger, third.... confusion....I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't... Andrea is a very strange person... But I guess being neglected by her mother and being left with a drunken father because her mom was too busy being the mistress to the doctor would take a toll on any child. I just have to keep on going and look to other things to keep my mind busy and not dwell on what could happen... Today... I was thinking about the upcoming wedding and trying to figure out how I was going to attend the showers without Andrea jumping all over me for something... then I had a realization that she may not even invite me to any showers. And Ace would probably be ok with that... They'll have Sara, mom and virginia go in my place....then I think surely not...Who knows.....As I told Andrea... if she pushs Ace to cut me (his immediate family) out of his life, no one wins.... I don't think she understands because she's never had an unconditional family from what I can tell.... Her Mother didn't even spend Christmases with her..... again with the Doctor....I think I actually need to feel very sorry for her... she's got alot of problems....But then I decide No.... I'm not feeling sorry for her.... I just flat don't like her but will always be polite for Ace's sake... that's what Mom's do... At least mom's that truly love their kids......

Here we go again.....

Just points that I need to remember when I think about all the horrible things that were said to me by A about me and my family.....

Per BH.... Gary talks to much (this is after we thought we all had a nice dinner and we even paid for all)

CHR --- at M BD.... bragging about regifting a necklace that she got from a patient... and then about getting such a good deal at NM on a dress.

BH ... telling A he's trash and M that she's chubby

AH..... that's this is how it's going to be if I want A to continue to be in my life...

Believe me the list will go on as I think of things..... hoping that writing them down will get them out of my head......

Better... How do I get there?

It amazes me how life can repeat itself but not through me but through my children... As they accuse me of things, I get my feelings very hurt and want to say something that hurts them back, but of course less than a split second the Mother side comes out and I keep my mouth shut....A for some reason has decided that his younger years being with me were horrible.... The repeat comes from me dwelling on my childhood and how horrible I "thought" it was... It wasn't at least 99% of it wasn't.... There were things that weren't right, like responsibility of 3 little girls and taking care of the chores that had to be done on a ranch/farm. I've been very angry about that, so now I see two things that are happening.... I'm learning I was wrong for being so angry and understanding that had I not had that responsibility I wouldn't be the person I am today.... The good and the bad.... I'm me and that's all I know....G and I have said we are fighters in the saying "Fight or flight" but when it comes to my kids and feeling like I'm not good enough or they don't want me around. I admit I want to do the flight thing...My emotions end up all over the place and I have no direction on what to do....I become very insecure about who I am and little things can spin me off to a big emotional depression which I try to deal with constantly... it's little things.... Like being told that A has two favorite people, my mom and Megan..... That's wonderful, they are two of my favorite people but why would someone purposely say that to me....Obviously announcing that I'm not one of them....See... I'm just terribly over sensitive on things.... Maybe it's because I don't feel I can trust V&S, especially V to be compassionate to me.... S just doesn't like conflict which I understand so she's keeps negative comments to herself.... At least I'm thinking she would/does. I hope I'm not wrong about her...I have so many flaws....sometimes I just want to run away from me...... Where do I go from here? Asking for help shows weakness.... How that got drilled into my head I don't remember or know.... But it's there with flying colors and can make me very lonely sometimes.... I watch tv and love to read boods about girlfriends that are there unconditionally.... I always feel like I could/will be judged by my family.... Not P.... and if she does she tells me to my face..... I love and respect her so much....I hope I can get better. The problem is I don't know what better actually is or how to get there.....

I think they're working

I see that my last post was in August.... I'll be honest..I couldn't remember where my blog was or what I called it.... But the meds are working!!!??? Seriously I can tell something is working. I don't know if it's just my attitude or attitude/meds/working out..... probably the second one. I do feel better.. not so depressed about where my life is at. Going to go check out a Fashion Design school with GK the first of November. For a while I've been looking at my live as if it's over, I'm 52, I'm old and life if over for me.... Now I just wait to die.... Sad I know...Then something happened... again probably the meds finally kicking in. I'm starting to see that life isn't over... I can accomplish things...Like a childhood dream of fashion design.... GK is supporting me 100% on this. During a conversation with my precious sister/BFF telling her I was going to check it out but realized I'd be mid to late 50's before I completed it. She informed that Julia Childs didn't start until she was in her middle age....That was a very good statement/gift from sister.... I will remember that. Now I've got to close and get house picked up and ready for dinner with GK and JM.....

Trying real hard to stay motivated

For some reason I'm having a real hard time not being depressed.... That seems dumb since I'm on so many pills to stop that feeling. Drank to much night before last. Haven't done that in a long time and planning on not doing it again. I get really disgusted with myself when that happens. It has gotten alot better so I just have to remember that tomorrow is a new day. Took all my pills as directed today. So we'll see how it goes....

Another new pill this morning

Well, started on #3 hormone pill this morning. Had to put it under my tongue, no idea why, but did it anyway, for a bit. Then couldn't stand it because it wasn't dissolving fast enough so I CHEWED it.... yes I sure did chew it. In about 10 days I start taking two of the thyroid pills.... I finally had GK take pictures of me and my FAT.... I want to hopefully be able to see a difference someday... Did sleep better last night.... but not a deep sleep...

Well, night before last forgot to take my night pill. Oh well, remembered last night and woke up during the early morning. I thought this one was supposed to make me drowsy.... Not!!! Been on my Thyroid since Sunday... tomorrow I start supplement pill #3....Got really frustrated yesterday with NO weight loss. As GK says though, it takes longer that 1 day to see/feel a difference.... go figure....I'm still on my zoloft and wellbruton (probably spelled it wrong). I have got to make myself go work out today.... yesterday had good intentions but just couldn't/didn't go....will today. probably around 2:00.... Closing for now.