Better... How do I get there?

It amazes me how life can repeat itself but not through me but through my children... As they accuse me of things, I get my feelings very hurt and want to say something that hurts them back, but of course less than a split second the Mother side comes out and I keep my mouth shut....A for some reason has decided that his younger years being with me were horrible.... The repeat comes from me dwelling on my childhood and how horrible I "thought" it was... It wasn't at least 99% of it wasn't.... There were things that weren't right, like responsibility of 3 little girls and taking care of the chores that had to be done on a ranch/farm. I've been very angry about that, so now I see two things that are happening.... I'm learning I was wrong for being so angry and understanding that had I not had that responsibility I wouldn't be the person I am today.... The good and the bad.... I'm me and that's all I know....G and I have said we are fighters in the saying "Fight or flight" but when it comes to my kids and feeling like I'm not good enough or they don't want me around. I admit I want to do the flight thing...My emotions end up all over the place and I have no direction on what to do....I become very insecure about who I am and little things can spin me off to a big emotional depression which I try to deal with constantly... it's little things.... Like being told that A has two favorite people, my mom and Megan..... That's wonderful, they are two of my favorite people but why would someone purposely say that to me....Obviously announcing that I'm not one of them....See... I'm just terribly over sensitive on things.... Maybe it's because I don't feel I can trust V&S, especially V to be compassionate to me.... S just doesn't like conflict which I understand so she's keeps negative comments to herself.... At least I'm thinking she would/does. I hope I'm not wrong about her...I have so many flaws....sometimes I just want to run away from me...... Where do I go from here? Asking for help shows weakness.... How that got drilled into my head I don't remember or know.... But it's there with flying colors and can make me very lonely sometimes.... I watch tv and love to read boods about girlfriends that are there unconditionally.... I always feel like I could/will be judged by my family.... Not P.... and if she does she tells me to my face..... I love and respect her so much....I hope I can get better. The problem is I don't know what better actually is or how to get there.....

I think they're working

I see that my last post was in August.... I'll be honest..I couldn't remember where my blog was or what I called it.... But the meds are working!!!??? Seriously I can tell something is working. I don't know if it's just my attitude or attitude/meds/working out..... probably the second one. I do feel better.. not so depressed about where my life is at. Going to go check out a Fashion Design school with GK the first of November. For a while I've been looking at my live as if it's over, I'm 52, I'm old and life if over for me.... Now I just wait to die.... Sad I know...Then something happened... again probably the meds finally kicking in. I'm starting to see that life isn't over... I can accomplish things...Like a childhood dream of fashion design.... GK is supporting me 100% on this. During a conversation with my precious sister/BFF telling her I was going to check it out but realized I'd be mid to late 50's before I completed it. She informed that Julia Childs didn't start until she was in her middle age....That was a very good statement/gift from sister.... I will remember that. Now I've got to close and get house picked up and ready for dinner with GK and JM.....